Stay: find what you where made for

My favourite non-profit organisation To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is doing a campaign supporting suicide prevention day which takes place on September 10th. It’s called: “Stay. Find what you where made for”.
They are asking everyone to complete this sentence: “I was made for…”

stay

As some of you may know I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I’ve been doing pretty okay these past few years, but years back I wasn’t doing so well. I had reached the point of not wanting to go on anymore. It was at that point that I kept asking myself that question: what was I made for? What did I have to contribute to this world? At first I couldn’t answer that question: I felt absolutely worthless. But deep inside I really wanted to stay. I really wanted to find out why I should stay. It was then I realized I didn’t want to leave my friends. They needed me. I needed them. I was made to be a friend to them. A friend they could rely on. I was made to have fun with them, to create beautiful memories… But also to cry with them and to listen to them when they needed it.
They were there for me when things got dark. They kept telling me I was worth something: that I had something to offer the world. They believed in me. And that meant everything to me.They told me I was really good in listening and helping people. I liked doing that: it made me feel good. It gave me a purpose. So I started thinking: being a friend is not all I was meant to be. I was meant to be someone that could make someone’s life a little bit better. And it was then I realized I wanted to be a social worker.

I am still figuring out what else I was made for. And I think that’s okay. I’m still young: it’s okay not to have your whole life planned out yet. At least I finally realized that I was made for something. You don’t have to change the world in order to be important enough to live. Just being who you are is enough!

I believe everyone is made for something. Everyone has something unique to offer to the world. You matter! So stay and find what you where made for.

I would love it if you shared what you where made for! X

Gender neutrality?

I want to start by saying I am NOT an LGBTQ+ hater. Not at all, actually. If someone comes up to me and says: ‘I’m trans’. I’ll just be like okay, whatever. I’ll never judge your skin colour, your sexuality or anything like that. I’ll judge you on your personality: if you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. I honestly couldn’t care less if your black, or gay or trans or whatever. That does not define you. Your personality does.

I am, however, pissed at certain group of people who make it their mission to make everything a problem. I have an example to explain myself:

Louise Pentland is a youtuber who is pregnant and made a video called ‘It’s a…. Gender reveal!’. Some people got mad at her because of the title and started attacking Louise.
Someone said: What if the baby doesnt have a gender? Or a fluid one? Maybe you (Louise) could let them decide when they grow up’’.
This person also said Louise shouldn’t call the baby a girl, but call it ’them’ instead. Because the person feels like using the term girl will make the baby feel the need to act like a girl (like play with dolls, wear dresses).

This baby isn’t even born yet. If the baby ever feels like it doesn’t feel like it is supposed to be a she, than the baby will say so. And Louise will love her child no matter what. That’s how it supposed to be. The solution is educating people. The solution is breaking the stigma, so that people KNOW about these things so that once their child has made up their mind about gender, parents will just accept the baby for who they are.

I am just tired of these discussion. It feels like we’re always offending someone. This is not the way to go. Changing the worlds vocabulary into gender neutrality isn’t going to make everyone happy. I for example wouldn’t like to be called ‘them’. Another person doesn’t like to be called ‘him’. That’s fine. Tell me how you want to be called and I will call you that. It doesn’t have to be such a big deal and there shouldn’t be so many arguments about it.

Failure or success?

It’s been a while since I last wrote something. I have just written stuff for myself: trying to figure some things out. Trying to reflect on everything that has happened this past year and looking at the future.
This year has been the best and worst year in a while so far. I have gone through a lot and was forced to figure myself and my life out. I finally realized that I have control over my own life. Yes, shit will happen, life isn’t perfect… but I can choose how I let it affect me. I can choose how to deal with it. And I can choose if I let myself get sucked into the darkness or if I follow the light.
A lot of people will say that I failed this year. I failed because I fucked up at school: I have to repeat this schoolyear. But I think of this year as a success, because I finally worked on myself and I will continue working on myself. It was dark for a while, but I finally found the light again. I found it in my friends who have truly showed their true, amazing colours this year. I found out I could trust them. I found out they had my back through everything. I can’t even describe how thankful I am for my friends. They know how to pull me out of the darkness without even realizing it. They are true angels.
To continue moving forward I had to let go of things and people that were holding me back. I’m not gonna lie it was so hard, because those were the things I felt familiar with. The things I felt comfortable with. It was the only life I had known. But how painful it was… letting go was the best thing I could’ve done. It was worth it.

Sometimes the most painful things will make you happy. Sometimes what some people see as a failure or a waste is actually a success… Sometimes you have to let go of what you used to know and reinvent your life: make it better. You deserve to live in the light. I know it is hard…. But God, it’s worth it. If you ever need to talk or need any help I am here.

The surprises of life

”I’ve been living life in the fast lane: just doing everything without even thinking about it. I feel like I have to stay busy. When I am busy I don’t have room to think about shit or deal with the consequenses of my actions. But because I don’t give myself space to breath everything just keeps adding up. It feels like there is such a big dark cloud over me and the minute I’m alone I feel like i’m being crushed by it.
I don’t know what I want anymore, I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Or what to do. I’m just lost. And scared. God, I’m so scared. I just can’t see this ending good.
I guess I just need a break. But everyone just keeps telling me I have to go on. No break. They keep pushing me and pushing me and eventually they will push me of the edge.”

I wrote this yesterday. Not realizing something would happen the next day that would keep me off the edge. Something that could actually pull me off the edge.
Today some good news came out of nowhere which made me finally realize who I’m supposed to be. It gave me a reason to keep fighting and to keep holding on. Yesterday I wouldn’t have believed it, but today I do.

So what I’m trying to say is that it might feel like all is lost and there is no way out and you will always feel like this… but that’s not true. Surprises can still happen. Hapiness might just be around the corner. Things do get better eventually even if it doesn’t feel like it. So please, hold on.  ❤

Love always

I just finished watching the one love Manchester benefit concert. It left me so inspired. Love is so much stronger than hate. This concert has been the best respond to everything that has happened. We’re not afraid, we’re strong, we won’t let hate change us. Love wins. Always. And this concert showed it with the power of music. It honestly touched my heart so deeply.

Love is such a beautiful thing. It’s the thing we should live for. Please, let love in. Don’t push it away. Let love in and let it consume you. Love yourself, love your friends, love complete strangers. Love is the thing that makes us strong. It unites us. It keeps us going. Please, let it in. And give it away as much as you can. Because others need love too.

I just need you all too know that I love you. I love you my friends. I love how I can always talk to you, I love how we can have fun and do crazy stuff together. I love that you make me feel loved and wanted. You are all so so amazing and I feel thankful every day to have you all in my life.
I love you stranger who might be reading this. I may not know you, but I know you are amazing. Because I believe everyone has something unique and good in them. Something worth showing to the world. I would like to know you better. So if you want: talk to me. You’re worth knowing better.
I love you people who I haven’t spoken to in years. We might have grown apart, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten you. Everyone I have ever known has a place in my heart. So you do too. If you feel like it: message me and we’ll talk again. I love you. So much.
And I love you people who I have been fighting with. Shit may have happened between us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore. I will always love you. I will always care.  I don’t do hate.

I just want to say thank you to everyone. Your love is what keeps me going. I wouldn’t know what I would do without love. So thanks for your love. You have mine. ❤ Please spread it around as much as you can!!!! It’s what I’m trying to do every day.

Whatever you need, I’m always here for you all. It’s the least I can do. Don’t let hate take over. ❤

 

Finding hapiness

Today I realized that the reason why I am alive is to make others happy. To live for others. And I am fine with it. 

Whenever I can make somebody’s life just a little bit better, I feel happy. I feel worthy. I feel important. It is just the best feeling in the world for me. It’s the thing I currently live for. (So hit me up if you want to talk, need advice or anything. You would actually do me a favor.)

Doing or wanting things that only make myself happy always ends up in drama. In somebody getting hurt. In me getting hurt. I slowly become something I don’t want to be: selfish, jealous and anxious. I start to feel unworthy, unloved and unwanted. Always on the look out, always wondering if i’m good enough. If I deserve to have something that makes me happy.
Every time I get disappointed. And I know that’s never anyone’s intention. But it always happens; I end up getting hurt. And that’s part of life, I get it. I do. But I can’t handle another dissapointment. I got too close to my breaking  point and I don’t intend to actually reach that point.
So I need to focus on the things that will bring me hapiness for sure. I need to find more of those things.Things that I have control over and make me feel good. Because God, I need to feel good again. 

Hopeless

I’ve been trying to write something for the last few days and I have never found it so hard. The things I was able to write were things nobody would want to read. Things I didn’t want anyone to read. It frustrates me so much. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I’m unable to; I’m afraid to. And that sucks.

I just feel lost. There were a few things I was certain of, but now I’m not certain of anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. I can’t figure it out and it makes me feel so hopeless. I guess that’s the biggest thing on my mind right now: I’ve lost hope. And what do you do without hope?
That’s the thing it’s all about, isn’t it? We live for hope: hope to find love. Hope to reach our goals. Hope to make our dreams come true. Just hope to find better days.
And I’ve just lost it and it hurts so much. I’m ready to give up, but I don’t truly want to. I want to search to find some hope again. I just don’t know where to start.