Pretending

Everyone expects me to be something. I’m supposed to be the girl who is always there for everyone, I’m the girl who is supposed to keep her mouth shut about some shit, to keep secrets. I’m the girl who is supposed to prevent arguments from escalating, I’m the girl who is supposed to don’t have problems, I’m the girl who is supposed to be the stable one. Basically I’m supposed to be the girl that makes everyone happy. But that’s literally impossible.
Everything just seems to go wrong. I can’t be that girl any longer. All I do now is fuck up and add to everyone’s problems. Everything is just too fucked up. I’m just too fucked up. And everyone hates me for it. Everyone just gets mad at me for being this huge disappointment. Getting mad at me won’t make it better, it’ll probably make it worse. All I actually need is someone to be interested in why I do the things I do. I need someone to care.
The thing I hate the most is that I feel alone. I am unable to talk about the things I’m dealing with and I’m unable to trust someone. I feel like no one really cares, you know? No one wants to hear  it, because there is nothing they can do. I can’t be ”fixed”. And once people realize that they don’t really care anymore. They can’t be the hero so what’s the point in trying? And honestly I think that sucks. Because I don’t need to be fixed, I just need to not feel alone anymore. I want to be loved and wanted even when I’m not the best version of myself. Especially when I’m not.
What’s also bothering me is that it’s like you can talk about your troubles once, but you’re not allowed to feel sad for more than a day. Everyone expects you to be over it by then. You talk about it and that’s supposed to make it all okay. After that they’ll just pretend like nothing ever happened. Like everything is fine. When it’s actually not.
There is so much pretending going on in everyone’s lifes. I bet every single person reading this feels like they have to pretend to be something they’re not from time to time. And don’t you think that’s fucked up? Life isn’t an act. You should just be able to be real with each other without feeling guilty about it. At least, that’s how I think about it.

Knowing how this feels I would like you all to know that you can always come to me. You can talk about the same problems a hundred times if you’d like. I know I probably can’t fix you, but I just want to be there for you. Going through pain alone sucks. The least I can do is make you feel like you’re not alone. ❤

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