The surprises of life

”I’ve been living life in the fast lane: just doing everything without even thinking about it. I feel like I have to stay busy. When I am busy I don’t have room to think about shit or deal with the consequenses of my actions. But because I don’t give myself space to breath everything just keeps adding up. It feels like there is such a big dark cloud over me and the minute I’m alone I feel like i’m being crushed by it.
I don’t know what I want anymore, I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Or what to do. I’m just lost. And scared. God, I’m so scared. I just can’t see this ending good.
I guess I just need a break. But everyone just keeps telling me I have to go on. No break. They keep pushing me and pushing me and eventually they will push me of the edge.”

I wrote this yesterday. Not realizing something would happen the next day that would keep me off the edge. Something that could actually pull me off the edge.
Today some good news came out of nowhere which made me finally realize who I’m supposed to be. It gave me a reason to keep fighting and to keep holding on. Yesterday I wouldn’t have believed it, but today I do.

So what I’m trying to say is that it might feel like all is lost and there is no way out and you will always feel like this… but that’s not true. Surprises can still happen. Hapiness might just be around the corner. Things do get better eventually even if it doesn’t feel like it. So please, hold on.  ❤

Love always

I just finished watching the one love Manchester benefit concert. It left me so inspired. Love is so much stronger than hate. This concert has been the best respond to everything that has happened. We’re not afraid, we’re strong, we won’t let hate change us. Love wins. Always. And this concert showed it with the power of music. It honestly touched my heart so deeply.

Love is such a beautiful thing. It’s the thing we should live for. Please, let love in. Don’t push it away. Let love in and let it consume you. Love yourself, love your friends, love complete strangers. Love is the thing that makes us strong. It unites us. It keeps us going. Please, let it in. And give it away as much as you can. Because others need love too.

I just need you all too know that I love you. I love you my friends. I love how I can always talk to you, I love how we can have fun and do crazy stuff together. I love that you make me feel loved and wanted. You are all so so amazing and I feel thankful every day to have you all in my life.
I love you stranger who might be reading this. I may not know you, but I know you are amazing. Because I believe everyone has something unique and good in them. Something worth showing to the world. I would like to know you better. So if you want: talk to me. You’re worth knowing better.
I love you people who I haven’t spoken to in years. We might have grown apart, but that doesn’t mean I have forgotten you. Everyone I have ever known has a place in my heart. So you do too. If you feel like it: message me and we’ll talk again. I love you. So much.
And I love you people who I have been fighting with. Shit may have happened between us, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you anymore. I will always love you. I will always care.  I don’t do hate.

I just want to say thank you to everyone. Your love is what keeps me going. I wouldn’t know what I would do without love. So thanks for your love. You have mine. ❤ Please spread it around as much as you can!!!! It’s what I’m trying to do every day.

Whatever you need, I’m always here for you all. It’s the least I can do. Don’t let hate take over. ❤

 

Finding hapiness

Today I realized that the reason why I am alive is to make others happy. To live for others. And I am fine with it. 

Whenever I can make somebody’s life just a little bit better, I feel happy. I feel worthy. I feel important. It is just the best feeling in the world for me. It’s the thing I currently live for. (So hit me up if you want to talk, need advice or anything. You would actually do me a favor.)

Doing or wanting things that only make myself happy always ends up in drama. In somebody getting hurt. In me getting hurt. I slowly become something I don’t want to be: selfish, jealous and anxious. I start to feel unworthy, unloved and unwanted. Always on the look out, always wondering if i’m good enough. If I deserve to have something that makes me happy.
Every time I get disappointed. And I know that’s never anyone’s intention. But it always happens; I end up getting hurt. And that’s part of life, I get it. I do. But I can’t handle another dissapointment. I got too close to my breaking  point and I don’t intend to actually reach that point.
So I need to focus on the things that will bring me hapiness for sure. I need to find more of those things.Things that I have control over and make me feel good. Because God, I need to feel good again. 

Hopeless

I’ve been trying to write something for the last few days and I have never found it so hard. The things I was able to write were things nobody would want to read. Things I didn’t want anyone to read. It frustrates me so much. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I’m unable to; I’m afraid to. And that sucks.

I just feel lost. There were a few things I was certain of, but now I’m not certain of anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. I can’t figure it out and it makes me feel so hopeless. I guess that’s the biggest thing on my mind right now: I’ve lost hope. And what do you do without hope?
That’s the thing it’s all about, isn’t it? We live for hope: hope to find love. Hope to reach our goals. Hope to make our dreams come true. Just hope to find better days.
And I’ve just lost it and it hurts so much. I’m ready to give up, but I don’t truly want to. I want to search to find some hope again. I just don’t know where to start.

Pretending

Everyone expects me to be something. I’m supposed to be the girl who is always there for everyone, I’m the girl who is supposed to keep her mouth shut about some shit, to keep secrets. I’m the girl who is supposed to prevent arguments from escalating, I’m the girl who is supposed to don’t have problems, I’m the girl who is supposed to be the stable one. Basically I’m supposed to be the girl that makes everyone happy. But that’s literally impossible.
Everything just seems to go wrong. I can’t be that girl any longer. All I do now is fuck up and add to everyone’s problems. Everything is just too fucked up. I’m just too fucked up. And everyone hates me for it. Everyone just gets mad at me for being this huge disappointment. Getting mad at me won’t make it better, it’ll probably make it worse. All I actually need is someone to be interested in why I do the things I do. I need someone to care.
The thing I hate the most is that I feel alone. I am unable to talk about the things I’m dealing with and I’m unable to trust someone. I feel like no one really cares, you know? No one wants to hear  it, because there is nothing they can do. I can’t be ”fixed”. And once people realize that they don’t really care anymore. They can’t be the hero so what’s the point in trying? And honestly I think that sucks. Because I don’t need to be fixed, I just need to not feel alone anymore. I want to be loved and wanted even when I’m not the best version of myself. Especially when I’m not.
What’s also bothering me is that it’s like you can talk about your troubles once, but you’re not allowed to feel sad for more than a day. Everyone expects you to be over it by then. You talk about it and that’s supposed to make it all okay. After that they’ll just pretend like nothing ever happened. Like everything is fine. When it’s actually not.
There is so much pretending going on in everyone’s lifes. I bet every single person reading this feels like they have to pretend to be something they’re not from time to time. And don’t you think that’s fucked up? Life isn’t an act. You should just be able to be real with each other without feeling guilty about it. At least, that’s how I think about it.

Knowing how this feels I would like you all to know that you can always come to me. You can talk about the same problems a hundred times if you’d like. I know I probably can’t fix you, but I just want to be there for you. Going through pain alone sucks. The least I can do is make you feel like you’re not alone. ❤

Living on a high

I feel like I’ve been living on a high. I’m around friends 90% of my time and it feels so great. I feel loved and wanted and most of all: not alone.
But there is a down side… there always seems to be. Everything that used to matter to me doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care about school, my health or what other people think of me. I used to feel stress, I used to feel some kind of drive to achieve greater things, but I don’t anymore. I just breath and fuck up a lot these days. I feel like I don’t care anymore, but that’s not true. When I’m alone at night they are the things that keep me awake. They are feeding the voices inside my head. They are the things that drive me crazy.
I try to ignore it. I try to run from it. I just try to avoid everything that makes me get hurt or scared. But I know there will come a point when I can’t run anymore. It will catch up to me. And I know I will be so fucked.

But for now I just enjoy living on this high. I love my friends and I hope I will never lose my interest in them. ‘Cause I know one thing for sure: without them I wouldn’t be here. They are great. I enjoy spending time with them and forgetting about everything. Talking for hours, going on crazy adventures. Laugh together, cry together. And simply just breath together. My friends are the best thing that ever happened to me. They are the ones that keep me going. I love them so so much. Words fail to describe it.
So this is a shout out to all my amazing friends. You’re amazing and you matter a lot to me. Please remember that. ❤

Heavy and Light

Yesterday my favorite non-profit organization To Write Love on Her Arms hosted an evening called ‘Heavy and Light’. It’s an evening of songs, conversation and hope. An evening where there can be talked about pain and struggle, but also about hope and recovery. Between the heavy poems and conversations there is music and there is laughter and hope. It is heavy and it is light. It is crying and it is smiling. It is beautiful.
People come on stage and share their story in the most beautiful and creative ways: poems, songs,  raps, conversations. It’s amazing to see people be so honest and it’s amazing to see how people react to that honesty: they start sharing too. They feel less alone. They connect.

This is something a girl named Renee Yohe (the girl whose story started all of this) said during this night:
”My story is messy and I’m learning every day. I make mistakes. I’m still learning to accept that grace and that compassion that we offer so rarely to other people, that that’s for me too. That I am allowed. And you are allowed. Where ever you’re at in your story: please know that you are allowed to be. And you don’t have to change it, you don’t have to dismiss or invalidate the pain and the dark parts and the broken parts in order to be. ” – Renee Yohe

It personally touched my soul, because she is right. It’s such a common thing: people seem to dismiss or invalidate the heavy parts of themselves. But why should you? Like she says: you’re allowed to be. Every part of you. You don’t have to be perfect in order to be. If you take anything from this blog and from that night, let it be that. And you also don’t have to fake it: be sad when you’re sad, be happy when you’re happy. Just be. Just be.

Watching this event got me so inspired. Something they said was: ”reach out your hand if you need help, but also reach out your hand to give help.” I try to reach out my hand to as many people as I can. I love to hear their honesty, I love to lend them that hand to help them pull on through. I wish I could do more for everyone though, because I’m afraid that I don’t do enough. I know so many people who are hurting, but I feel like I can’t reach them. They don’t talk to me, or anyone for that matter. They go through their pain alone and I really wish they didn’t. I wish I could find a way to make them feel comfortable and safe enough to talk. I wish I could make them feel less alone, because I want them to know they’re not alone.
I also realized I need to ask for help more myself. I need to be honest more, even though I find it really hard. I know I am not alone and you aren’t either. Please, just hold out your hand. ❤

if you’re interested in watching the whole event, here is a link to the live stream: Heavy and Light 2017

I am always here if you want to talk x