#FuckYourSorry

I used to think that Mark Schwahn, the creator of my favorite tv show ‘One Tree Hill’ was this genius. He was a hero to my teenage self because he made the tv show that changed my life, that taught me so many life lessons and brought me so much joy. The show has nine seasons and I’ll openly admit that I have seen all of them more than 5 times.

A few days ago some very bad news came to my attention. Apparently Mark Schwahn had sexually harassed multiple writers and actresses who were working with him on the set of One Tree Hill. One of the brave writers spoke up about her experiences and many lead actresses backed her up. Saying #metoo and showing their support. (Hilarie Burton, Sophia Bush, Kate Voegele, Bethany Joy Lenz.) Hilary Burton even admitted that Mark Schwahns actions were the reason why she left the show at season 7.

It was then I realized Mark Schwahn was a total ass and no hero at all. He pressured women in doing things they didn’t want to do. He manipulated them. He had power over them. He could easily take away their job if they didn’t do exactly as he pleases and he reminded them of it. That’s not how it’s supposed to be.

It was also then I realized that he wasn’t the one who created this beautiful show. The writers and the actors did. Sure, he came up with the idea… But the actors brought the characters to life and the writers wrote the amazing story. They put their heart and soul into this show, even when they had to work with this asshole. I am beyond proud of them and I will support them through it all. I won’t stop loving One Tree Hill because of this. No. The work and the passion of the writers and actresses made this show a 10/10.

It’s amazing to see that when one brave women speaks up, more get the courage to do so. And it’s beautiful and heartwarming to see the support they get. That’s how it should be.
Some people will say: ‘okay, but why didn’t you talk about it sooner. Your silence is the problem.’ But as Sophia Bush said: ‘Our silence isn’t the problem, THEIR violence is.’ It shouldn’t have happened in the first place. No one should ever blame the victim. It takes a lot of courage to speak up. Especially now. I’ve seen a lot of people second guessing the victim. Calling them a liar because they are supposedly doing it for attention or a career boost. It always makes me sad when I see that happen. So you can imagine how happy I was when the whole cast and crew came together and stood together against this awful men.

Mark Schwahn is currently in charge of another one of my favorite tv shows called ’the Royals’ which just ended filming for their 4th season. For the past few days I’ve been hoping he has changed… But unfortunately the lead actress just posted a statement regarding Mark Schwahn. She admitted it had happened to her too, and to other women involved in the series.

As of today, Mark has been suspended. He can’t hurt any more women because some very brave people decided to speak up and support each other. A group is always stronger than an individual. So please, always support each other in times of need. Always believe each other. We need more of that. Together we are stronger. Together we can make change happen.

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Get up and go

There are so many people in my life who I love and who I should feel thankful for (and I am), but I can’t help but feel lonely. Not because they aren’t there for me. Not at all: they all really want to be there for me. It’s just so fucking hard to let them.
I know I should trust somebody sometime. I want to trust somebody, because I can see that I’m the only person who is in the way of my own happiness. But I just can’t seem to show my true colors: the good and the bad. I’m afraid that people will look at me differently. I like the person they think I am: the strong one, the dependent one, the sweet one. I don’t want them to think I’m the fucked up or the weak one. I don’t want to be a complicated mess, I want to be uncomplicated and fun. I’m tired of being complicated.
But I am and I’ll probably will be until I let go of everything that made me that way. That’s a process I’ll have to go through. That’s what came to my realization this weekend. I was having so much fun and everything was great. Until my mind (and probably the alcohol I drank) started to fuck everything up again and I started acting like a crazy person. Probably scaring everyone away and leaving everyone with a ”what the fuck is wrong with that person” thought. I mean, I know I still think that. Because I have no fucking clue what’s wrong with me. All I know is that I never feel good enough and that there are a few things that I have never been able to talk about. But I mean, who feels confident these days? And who doesn’t have secrets they are too scared to share?
Right.
Everyone.
I just don’t understand why it makes me act all crazy.

People always say that I’m good at listening to people their stories. I like being able to help someone. I like being able to lift weight off people their shoulders.
However I don’t like to add weight on people their shoulders. And I know I should learn to do so, because it is meant to be that way. You’re not supposed to go through life alone.

All I really want to say is please try to talk about the heavy stuff. Don’t let it bottle up. It might feel like you can handle it at this moment, but one day it will get too much. Don’t let that dark cloud take over, but choose to work towards the light. The weight of the world is meant to be shared. Don’t try to hold it up by yourself: let others help. ‘Cause you deserve to be helped. You deserve to be happy. Don’t settle for less than what you dream of.  So get up and go. Do it.

”Get up and go, take a chance and be strong. Or you could spend your whole life holding on.” – Go by Boys like Girls

Suicide prevention day

Today it is September 10th, which means it is suicide prevention day. It’s a day I find important, as I know many people who either have tried or thought about comitting suicide. Their pain was so heavy that they didn’t see another way out. Every single one of them told me they felt alone. They felt like nobody would want to hear about their pain and that nobody cared.

I care. As do many others. So please, stay. Talk. Seek help. Because you’re worth it. You’re worth living your story. It’s okay to talk about the pain and sadness. It’s okay to confess that you don’t feel great. We are here for you. You are not alone.
You may not be at a great point in your life, but know that there will be better days. Days to fall in love, days to laugh with your friends or to accomplish that goal you’ve been working towards to. There will be days where you will feel joy again. The pain and the sadness won’t last forever. I can promise you that.

So please… Send me a message if you ever feel like you need to talk or if everything just gets too much. I am here for you, whatever you need. Really, never hesistate to call me or send me a message. Whatever it is that your dealing with. It’s never too small or too big for me. I will listen and I’ll try to help if you want to.

Please, always take someone who is talking about suicide seriously. Just 4 days ago my friend literally saved someone’s life. If he hadn’t taken the girl seriously and didn’t call for help things might have ended very different. Always check up on someone who is feeling suicidal. You might save a life. 🙂

The noise and the quiet

The past few months I’ve been loving the noise: hanging out with my friends, drinking and partying. Just… having fun and forgetting about everything. Trying to escape the quiet. Because quiet is my enemy. I don’t like myself when everything is quiet. I start overthinking and analazying all my imperfections. I don’t understand why my friends like me or anyone would ever love me. I just feel so worthless. I feel like I won’t ever succeed at anything. I am too fucked up. Too broken. I keep fighting and fighting and fighting against myself, but it feels like it’s a never ending battle. Only the noise makes everything okay, but I know that’s an illusion. I know it’s only temporary. Like a ceasefire. The quiet will always strike again. Harder each time.
It sucks because in those moments I forget that I have friends. I forget that they love me and want me to be here. It makes me feel like I have to fight alone, which is not true. They are here. They do love me. And they do want to help me. I just have to let them and that is hard for me sometimes.
I am very lucky with the friends I have. They never give up on me and they believe in me when I don’t believe in myself. It’s so comforting to know that I have them. Most days I don’t understand why they want to be friends with me, but I am extremely thankful. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them.

So… My message is: let others help you. You are not alone. You are never alone. There are always people who want to be there for you, even when the quiet clouds your judgement. They are here for you and love you unconditionally. You don’t have to be afraid to ask them for help, whatever you need. ❤

Stay: find what you where made for

My favourite non-profit organisation To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is doing a campaign supporting suicide prevention day which takes place on September 10th. It’s called: “Stay. Find what you where made for”.
They are asking everyone to complete this sentence: “I was made for…”

stay

As some of you may know I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I’ve been doing pretty okay these past few years, but years back I wasn’t doing so well. I had reached the point of not wanting to go on anymore. It was at that point that I kept asking myself that question: what was I made for? What did I have to contribute to this world? At first I couldn’t answer that question: I felt absolutely worthless. But deep inside I really wanted to stay. I really wanted to find out why I should stay. It was then I realized I didn’t want to leave my friends. They needed me. I needed them. I was made to be a friend to them. A friend they could rely on. I was made to have fun with them, to create beautiful memories… But also to cry with them and to listen to them when they needed it.
They were there for me when things got dark. They kept telling me I was worth something: that I had something to offer the world. They believed in me. And that meant everything to me.They told me I was really good in listening and helping people. I liked doing that: it made me feel good. It gave me a purpose. So I started thinking: being a friend is not all I was meant to be. I was meant to be someone that could make someone’s life a little bit better. And it was then I realized I wanted to be a social worker.

I am still figuring out what else I was made for. And I think that’s okay. I’m still young: it’s okay not to have your whole life planned out yet. At least I finally realized that I was made for something. You don’t have to change the world in order to be important enough to live. Just being who you are is enough!

I believe everyone is made for something. Everyone has something unique to offer to the world. You matter! So stay and find what you where made for.

I would love it if you shared what you where made for! X

Failure or success?

It’s been a while since I last wrote something. I have just written stuff for myself: trying to figure some things out. Trying to reflect on everything that has happened this past year and looking at the future.
This year has been the best and worst year in a while so far. I have gone through a lot and was forced to figure myself and my life out. I finally realized that I have control over my own life. Yes, shit will happen, life isn’t perfect… but I can choose how I let it affect me. I can choose how to deal with it. And I can choose if I let myself get sucked into the darkness or if I follow the light.
A lot of people will say that I failed this year. I failed because I fucked up at school: I have to repeat this schoolyear. But I think of this year as a success, because I finally worked on myself and I will continue working on myself. It was dark for a while, but I finally found the light again. I found it in my friends who have truly showed their true, amazing colours this year. I found out I could trust them. I found out they had my back through everything. I can’t even describe how thankful I am for my friends. They know how to pull me out of the darkness without even realizing it. They are true angels.
To continue moving forward I had to let go of things and people that were holding me back. I’m not gonna lie it was so hard, because those were the things I felt familiar with. The things I felt comfortable with. It was the only life I had known. But how painful it was… letting go was the best thing I could’ve done. It was worth it.

Sometimes the most painful things will make you happy. Sometimes what some people see as a failure or a waste is actually a success… Sometimes you have to let go of what you used to know and reinvent your life: make it better. You deserve to live in the light. I know it is hard…. But God, it’s worth it. If you ever need to talk or need any help I am here.

The surprises of life

”I’ve been living life in the fast lane: just doing everything without even thinking about it. I feel like I have to stay busy. When I am busy I don’t have room to think about shit or deal with the consequenses of my actions. But because I don’t give myself space to breath everything just keeps adding up. It feels like there is such a big dark cloud over me and the minute I’m alone I feel like i’m being crushed by it.
I don’t know what I want anymore, I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. Or what to do. I’m just lost. And scared. God, I’m so scared. I just can’t see this ending good.
I guess I just need a break. But everyone just keeps telling me I have to go on. No break. They keep pushing me and pushing me and eventually they will push me of the edge.”

I wrote this yesterday. Not realizing something would happen the next day that would keep me off the edge. Something that could actually pull me off the edge.
Today some good news came out of nowhere which made me finally realize who I’m supposed to be. It gave me a reason to keep fighting and to keep holding on. Yesterday I wouldn’t have believed it, but today I do.

So what I’m trying to say is that it might feel like all is lost and there is no way out and you will always feel like this… but that’s not true. Surprises can still happen. Hapiness might just be around the corner. Things do get better eventually even if it doesn’t feel like it. So please, hold on.  ❤