Talk&Trust

I haven’t written in a while. I haven’t felt inspired. Or maybe I have put the bar way too high. I wanted to write something that meant something to someone. Something that could make someone’s life better. Or actually, something that could make someone happy forever. But sadly, I  can’t do that. No one can. And that makes me feel so worthless.

So I started thinking: what can I do? I can poor my heart out on this paper and tell the truth, so hopefully someone can relate to this and not make the same mistakes I did. If I even know how to tell the truth anymore.
This year has been the best year of my life. I have felt loved and cared for. I have had friends I could count on. I have had fun, an unbelievable amount of fun. Finally, getting out of bed wasn’t so hard anymore: I had something to live for, something to look forward to. It felt so good.
But now I slowly feel like I’m losing that feeling. Getting out of bed gets harder and harder each day. Good times with my friends are followed by panic attacks and loneliness. I know I am not alone, but I still feel lonely. And the sad part is: it’s my own fault. I can’t seem to let people in. I’ve had secrets for way too many years and I don’t know how to let them out. Sometimes something comes out, but it comes out the wrong way and leaves an incredible mess. It fucking sucks.
I can feel it’s slowly killing me, which makes me panic. It feels like I am drowning deep under water, trying to swim up, being pulled down by something and fighting sharks away all at the same time. The results are massive panic attacks in which I 100% believe no one cares about me, I’m a horrible person/friend and that I should just end it all. Plus a thousands other thoughts that I can’t filter, but are along those lines. When I calm down I know my thoughts are sort of lying, but I know deep down I still believe in them. And that scares me.
I just want to feel good again. I’ve had a taste of how life can be without this fucking disease and now I want to have more of it. I just don’t know how I can reach it.

Last night I had a conversation with a friend and we discussed if we would change anything about our lives if we could go back in time. He wouldn’t. I totally would. I think if I could go back in time I would tell my younger self to talk more and to not keep secrets, because secrets make you sick. I think I would have been happier if I didn’t choose to do it all alone. So please, don’t go through shit alone. Learn the ability to talk and to trust, because I think those are the key to survival.

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Living with a mental illness

Yes, I have a mental illness. It bugs me that not many people understand what it’s like to live with a mental illness. This does not mean that I want people to have a mental illness, but I just want people to do their research. I want people to stop judging people because of their mental illness. Yes, it is part of them. No, it’s not all they are. But yes, it is always there. I am sorry if that’s inconvenient for you, but I swear it’s more inconvenient for them.
Imagine having your worst enemy at your side every single second of every single day; screaming insults at you and telling you you’re not good enough and that you’ll never be good enough. Yeah… that’s how it feels for me every day. Sometimes I’m able to stick up for myself, but sometimes I can’t.
There are thousands of voices screaming negative things inside my head and I have only one voice to try to shut them up. Imagine how exhausting that must be. But hey, I am still here. So my voice is still winning. I won’t go down easily.

People often seem to think I’m not even trying. ‘How come you still don’t have that internship?’’ ‘’You don’t even go to school.’’ ‘’Did you really just spend a whole week in bed? Wish I could do that… You’re so lazy.’’ ‘’You still haven’t gone to the gym? Ha! You’ll probably never go.’’
When people say those things the thousand voices in my head go like: ‘Yeahh exactly, you suck. They hate you. You are such a failure. See? You can’t do anything. You might as well stop trying, you can’t do anything. You let everyone down.’’ While my own voice goes: ‘’But I am trying, it’s just so hard. I haven’t succeeded yet, but I am trying. I am doing everything I can. That should be enough.’’
That’s the first thing I want people to understand: I am trying. Some things are harder for me, but I am doing all that I can. I know that it might be hard to understand, because the things that are hard for me may be easy for others… It’s just like school: some kids are crazy good in math and others need to work 5 times as hard to understand it. But they are trying and doing everything they can. So there is no reason to get mad at them or be disappointed in them. They’re doing their best and that’s all they can do.

Another thing I want people to understand is that people with a mental illness aren’t overreacting. There are certain things that trigger me and can make me cry hysterically (which I find very annoying myself.) Those things may not seem like a big deal to someone else, but for me they are. Sometimes it brings me back to horrible things that have happened and sometimes it triggers those voices in my head to go on overdrive. When that happens, I have no idea what’s going on. It’s like the voices in my brain go in overdrive, but my brain can’t handle so much work, so they shut down entirely. I can’t rationalize anything, I can’t process anything anyone says to me. I just shut down.
I know people don’t understand what the hell is going on with me and why it can happen over the smallest things in their eye. But I wish they knew there is a reason behind every emotion, so there is also a reason behind that. I wish people wouldn’t immediately think I’m crazy, but would understand that it does have a reason.

Whenever I tell people about my mental illness they are understanding at first. But when they realize the illness lasts more than 2 weeks or a month…. They start getting impatient. ‘’Why can’t you just be normal?’’ ‘’Stop overreacting’’ ‘’You’re just doing it for attention.’’ ‘’Shouldn’t you be over it by now?’’
No. I’ll probably never be ‘normal’, sadly. I will always have this war inside my head and it has been there for as long as I can remember. Trust me, I’m not looking for special treatment , but it would be nice to be taken care of once in a while. Life is not easy and yes, sometimes you need other people. And that’s okay? Talking about your troubles doesn’t have to mean begging for attention. I am so tired of people saying mental illnesses are just an excuse to get attention. The reason why I have so much trouble asking for help is because I’m afraid people will not believe me. That they will label me an attention seeker. But seriously… a mental illness is not something people make up to get attention. And It’s not the worst thing to need attention. Everyone needs attention once in a while: someone to listen to them, someone to make them feel better. It’s totally normal and totally okay. So stop using the word attention seeker when talking about mental illness, because that term does more damage than good.

I know people without a mental illness will never fully understand what it’s like living with one: and that is totally okay. All I’m asking for is that you try to understand, to be patient and to not judge. Living with a mental illness can make you feel isolated, lonely and misunderstood at times.  Don’t add to those feelings by being afraid to talk about it: ask questions if you don’t understand something. Talk. But don’t judge and just assume things. Life is hard enough already, so lets try to make it easier for each other. ❤

I am always here if you want to talk! x

2017

2017 is coming to an end and I always like to reflect on the past year; sometimes I forget that I am in fact moving forward.

Around this time last year I felt abandoned and alone. I finally had the courage to say goodbye to my toxic best friend, but it made me feel so alone; change is never easy. So the first few months of 2017 were kind of dark and confusing for me.
Now, looking back, I realize I was never alone. So many friends jumped to my rescue to make sure I was okay and showed me that life can be awesome even when you’re in pain. I feel like my friendships have grown so much stronger this past year and I am so incredibly thankful for that. I honestly can’t describe how happy they make me and how blessed I am to call them my friends. They make everything so much better. I love them so fucking much. I really hope they know that! ❤

It’s no secret that I’ve struggled with anxiety/depression for a while now, but I’m pretty proud to say that I’ve finally gotten help and I hope it will all be better in 2018. I would love to go forward instead of standing still.  I have so many hopes and dreams put on hold due to my anxiety, but I hope I can  start working towards them now. I finally realize that I do have something to contribute to this world and I honestly hope I can make a life changing difference in at least one person’s life.

This year I received so much love and so many outreaching hands. It has been one hell of a tough year, but the overwhelming support I got is honestly so amazing. I wouldn’t have made it through without it.  ❤
One of my goals for 2018 is to support others as well as my friends have supported me.  Basically I want to give out more love because the world needs more of that.

I hope you all had a wonderful year and may 2018 be even better! ❤

 

Suicide prevention day

Today it is September 10th, which means it is suicide prevention day. It’s a day I find important, as I know many people who either have tried or thought about comitting suicide. Their pain was so heavy that they didn’t see another way out. Every single one of them told me they felt alone. They felt like nobody would want to hear about their pain and that nobody cared.

I care. As do many others. So please, stay. Talk. Seek help. Because you’re worth it. You’re worth living your story. It’s okay to talk about the pain and sadness. It’s okay to confess that you don’t feel great. We are here for you. You are not alone.
You may not be at a great point in your life, but know that there will be better days. Days to fall in love, days to laugh with your friends or to accomplish that goal you’ve been working towards to. There will be days where you will feel joy again. The pain and the sadness won’t last forever. I can promise you that.

So please… Send me a message if you ever feel like you need to talk or if everything just gets too much. I am here for you, whatever you need. Really, never hesistate to call me or send me a message. Whatever it is that your dealing with. It’s never too small or too big for me. I will listen and I’ll try to help if you want to.

Please, always take someone who is talking about suicide seriously. Just 4 days ago my friend literally saved someone’s life. If he hadn’t taken the girl seriously and didn’t call for help things might have ended very different. Always check up on someone who is feeling suicidal. You might save a life. 🙂

The noise and the quiet

The past few months I’ve been loving the noise: hanging out with my friends, drinking and partying. Just… having fun and forgetting about everything. Trying to escape the quiet. Because quiet is my enemy. I don’t like myself when everything is quiet. I start overthinking and analazying all my imperfections. I don’t understand why my friends like me or anyone would ever love me. I just feel so worthless. I feel like I won’t ever succeed at anything. I am too fucked up. Too broken. I keep fighting and fighting and fighting against myself, but it feels like it’s a never ending battle. Only the noise makes everything okay, but I know that’s an illusion. I know it’s only temporary. Like a ceasefire. The quiet will always strike again. Harder each time.
It sucks because in those moments I forget that I have friends. I forget that they love me and want me to be here. It makes me feel like I have to fight alone, which is not true. They are here. They do love me. And they do want to help me. I just have to let them and that is hard for me sometimes.
I am very lucky with the friends I have. They never give up on me and they believe in me when I don’t believe in myself. It’s so comforting to know that I have them. Most days I don’t understand why they want to be friends with me, but I am extremely thankful. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them.

So… My message is: let others help you. You are not alone. You are never alone. There are always people who want to be there for you, even when the quiet clouds your judgement. They are here for you and love you unconditionally. You don’t have to be afraid to ask them for help, whatever you need. ❤

Stay: find what you where made for

My favourite non-profit organisation To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA) is doing a campaign supporting suicide prevention day which takes place on September 10th. It’s called: “Stay. Find what you where made for”.
They are asking everyone to complete this sentence: “I was made for…”

stay

As some of you may know I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for the majority of my life. I’ve been doing pretty okay these past few years, but years back I wasn’t doing so well. I had reached the point of not wanting to go on anymore. It was at that point that I kept asking myself that question: what was I made for? What did I have to contribute to this world? At first I couldn’t answer that question: I felt absolutely worthless. But deep inside I really wanted to stay. I really wanted to find out why I should stay. It was then I realized I didn’t want to leave my friends. They needed me. I needed them. I was made to be a friend to them. A friend they could rely on. I was made to have fun with them, to create beautiful memories… But also to cry with them and to listen to them when they needed it.
They were there for me when things got dark. They kept telling me I was worth something: that I had something to offer the world. They believed in me. And that meant everything to me.They told me I was really good in listening and helping people. I liked doing that: it made me feel good. It gave me a purpose. So I started thinking: being a friend is not all I was meant to be. I was meant to be someone that could make someone’s life a little bit better. And it was then I realized I wanted to be a social worker.

I am still figuring out what else I was made for. And I think that’s okay. I’m still young: it’s okay not to have your whole life planned out yet. At least I finally realized that I was made for something. You don’t have to change the world in order to be important enough to live. Just being who you are is enough!

I believe everyone is made for something. Everyone has something unique to offer to the world. You matter! So stay and find what you where made for.

I would love it if you shared what you where made for! X

Failure or success?

It’s been a while since I last wrote something. I have just written stuff for myself: trying to figure some things out. Trying to reflect on everything that has happened this past year and looking at the future.
This year has been the best and worst year in a while so far. I have gone through a lot and was forced to figure myself and my life out. I finally realized that I have control over my own life. Yes, shit will happen, life isn’t perfect… but I can choose how I let it affect me. I can choose how to deal with it. And I can choose if I let myself get sucked into the darkness or if I follow the light.
A lot of people will say that I failed this year. I failed because I fucked up at school: I have to repeat this schoolyear. But I think of this year as a success, because I finally worked on myself and I will continue working on myself. It was dark for a while, but I finally found the light again. I found it in my friends who have truly showed their true, amazing colours this year. I found out I could trust them. I found out they had my back through everything. I can’t even describe how thankful I am for my friends. They know how to pull me out of the darkness without even realizing it. They are true angels.
To continue moving forward I had to let go of things and people that were holding me back. I’m not gonna lie it was so hard, because those were the things I felt familiar with. The things I felt comfortable with. It was the only life I had known. But how painful it was… letting go was the best thing I could’ve done. It was worth it.

Sometimes the most painful things will make you happy. Sometimes what some people see as a failure or a waste is actually a success… Sometimes you have to let go of what you used to know and reinvent your life: make it better. You deserve to live in the light. I know it is hard…. But God, it’s worth it. If you ever need to talk or need any help I am here.