Finding hapiness

Today I realized that the reason why I am alive is to make others happy. To live for others. And I am fine with it. 

Whenever I can make somebody’s life just a little bit better, I feel happy. I feel worthy. I feel important. It is just the best feeling in the world for me. It’s the thing I currently live for. (So hit me up if you want to talk, need advice or anything. You would actually do me a favor.)

Doing or wanting things that only make myself happy always ends up in drama. In somebody getting hurt. In me getting hurt. I slowly become something I don’t want to be: selfish, jealous and anxious. I start to feel unworthy, unloved and unwanted. Always on the look out, always wondering if i’m good enough. If I deserve to have something that makes me happy.
Every time I get disappointed. And I know that’s never anyone’s intention. But it always happens; I end up getting hurt. And that’s part of life, I get it. I do. But I can’t handle another dissapointment. I got too close to my breaking  point and I don’t intend to actually reach that point.
So I need to focus on the things that will bring me hapiness for sure. I need to find more of those things.Things that I have control over and make me feel good. Because God, I need to feel good again. 

Advertenties

Hopeless

I’ve been trying to write something for the last few days and I have never found it so hard. The things I was able to write were things nobody would want to read. Things I didn’t want anyone to read. It frustrates me so much. There are so many things I want to talk about, but I’m unable to; I’m afraid to. And that sucks.

I just feel lost. There were a few things I was certain of, but now I’m not certain of anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. I can’t figure it out and it makes me feel so hopeless. I guess that’s the biggest thing on my mind right now: I’ve lost hope. And what do you do without hope?
That’s the thing it’s all about, isn’t it? We live for hope: hope to find love. Hope to reach our goals. Hope to make our dreams come true. Just hope to find better days.
And I’ve just lost it and it hurts so much. I’m ready to give up, but I don’t truly want to. I want to search to find some hope again. I just don’t know where to start.

Pretending

Everyone expects me to be something. I’m supposed to be the girl who is always there for everyone, I’m the girl who is supposed to keep her mouth shut about some shit, to keep secrets. I’m the girl who is supposed to prevent arguments from escalating, I’m the girl who is supposed to don’t have problems, I’m the girl who is supposed to be the stable one. Basically I’m supposed to be the girl that makes everyone happy. But that’s literally impossible.
Everything just seems to go wrong. I can’t be that girl any longer. All I do now is fuck up and add to everyone’s problems. Everything is just too fucked up. I’m just too fucked up. And everyone hates me for it. Everyone just gets mad at me for being this huge disappointment. Getting mad at me won’t make it better, it’ll probably make it worse. All I actually need is someone to be interested in why I do the things I do. I need someone to care.
The thing I hate the most is that I feel alone. I am unable to talk about the things I’m dealing with and I’m unable to trust someone. I feel like no one really cares, you know? No one wants to hear  it, because there is nothing they can do. I can’t be ”fixed”. And once people realize that they don’t really care anymore. They can’t be the hero so what’s the point in trying? And honestly I think that sucks. Because I don’t need to be fixed, I just need to not feel alone anymore. I want to be loved and wanted even when I’m not the best version of myself. Especially when I’m not.
What’s also bothering me is that it’s like you can talk about your troubles once, but you’re not allowed to feel sad for more than a day. Everyone expects you to be over it by then. You talk about it and that’s supposed to make it all okay. After that they’ll just pretend like nothing ever happened. Like everything is fine. When it’s actually not.
There is so much pretending going on in everyone’s lifes. I bet every single person reading this feels like they have to pretend to be something they’re not from time to time. And don’t you think that’s fucked up? Life isn’t an act. You should just be able to be real with each other without feeling guilty about it. At least, that’s how I think about it.

Knowing how this feels I would like you all to know that you can always come to me. You can talk about the same problems a hundred times if you’d like. I know I probably can’t fix you, but I just want to be there for you. Going through pain alone sucks. The least I can do is make you feel like you’re not alone. ❤

Living on a high

I feel like I’ve been living on a high. I’m around friends 90% of my time and it feels so great. I feel loved and wanted and most of all: not alone.
But there is a down side… there always seems to be. Everything that used to matter to me doesn’t matter to me anymore. I don’t care about school, my health or what other people think of me. I used to feel stress, I used to feel some kind of drive to achieve greater things, but I don’t anymore. I just breath and fuck up a lot these days. I feel like I don’t care anymore, but that’s not true. When I’m alone at night they are the things that keep me awake. They are feeding the voices inside my head. They are the things that drive me crazy.
I try to ignore it. I try to run from it. I just try to avoid everything that makes me get hurt or scared. But I know there will come a point when I can’t run anymore. It will catch up to me. And I know I will be so fucked.

But for now I just enjoy living on this high. I love my friends and I hope I will never lose my interest in them. ‘Cause I know one thing for sure: without them I wouldn’t be here. They are great. I enjoy spending time with them and forgetting about everything. Talking for hours, going on crazy adventures. Laugh together, cry together. And simply just breath together. My friends are the best thing that ever happened to me. They are the ones that keep me going. I love them so so much. Words fail to describe it.
So this is a shout out to all my amazing friends. You’re amazing and you matter a lot to me. Please remember that. ❤

Heavy and Light

Yesterday my favorite non-profit organization To Write Love on Her Arms hosted an evening called ‘Heavy and Light’. It’s an evening of songs, conversation and hope. An evening where there can be talked about pain and struggle, but also about hope and recovery. Between the heavy poems and conversations there is music and there is laughter and hope. It is heavy and it is light. It is crying and it is smiling. It is beautiful.
People come on stage and share their story in the most beautiful and creative ways: poems, songs,  raps, conversations. It’s amazing to see people be so honest and it’s amazing to see how people react to that honesty: they start sharing too. They feel less alone. They connect.

This is something a girl named Renee Yohe (the girl whose story started all of this) said during this night:
”My story is messy and I’m learning every day. I make mistakes. I’m still learning to accept that grace and that compassion that we offer so rarely to other people, that that’s for me too. That I am allowed. And you are allowed. Where ever you’re at in your story: please know that you are allowed to be. And you don’t have to change it, you don’t have to dismiss or invalidate the pain and the dark parts and the broken parts in order to be. ” – Renee Yohe

It personally touched my soul, because she is right. It’s such a common thing: people seem to dismiss or invalidate the heavy parts of themselves. But why should you? Like she says: you’re allowed to be. Every part of you. You don’t have to be perfect in order to be. If you take anything from this blog and from that night, let it be that. And you also don’t have to fake it: be sad when you’re sad, be happy when you’re happy. Just be. Just be.

Watching this event got me so inspired. Something they said was: ”reach out your hand if you need help, but also reach out your hand to give help.” I try to reach out my hand to as many people as I can. I love to hear their honesty, I love to lend them that hand to help them pull on through. I wish I could do more for everyone though, because I’m afraid that I don’t do enough. I know so many people who are hurting, but I feel like I can’t reach them. They don’t talk to me, or anyone for that matter. They go through their pain alone and I really wish they didn’t. I wish I could find a way to make them feel comfortable and safe enough to talk. I wish I could make them feel less alone, because I want them to know they’re not alone.
I also realized I need to ask for help more myself. I need to be honest more, even though I find it really hard. I know I am not alone and you aren’t either. Please, just hold out your hand. ❤

if you’re interested in watching the whole event, here is a link to the live stream: Heavy and Light 2017

I am always here if you want to talk x

Everything has a reason

Okay so a warning before reading: this blog post might be a little whiny and semi-negative. If you don’t like that kind of blogposts I suggest not reading it. If you feel like you’re a judgmental person I also suggest you not to read it. I just needed to poor my heart out on paper. I also needed to try to explain some things from my point of view. My goal with this post is to show people to not judge someone based on what you see: there is usually a lot more going on that you can’t see. Every action (or lack of one) has a reason. People don’t just act out on purpose.

There is a lot going on in my life and my head lately. And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one dealing with those problems.

I failed school. This fact makes a lot of people mad, because I might have wasted 2 years of my life and 2 years worth of college money. It might ”just” be one year though: either way I failed and a lot of people are mad at me or disappointed in me. And honestly, I am disappointed in myself, because I know I could have done it.
The sad thing is that I failed because I was too fucking scared to do something and because I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I felt like I shouldn’t take a shot. I thought nobody would pick me, because everyone else would be better than me. I felt like they didn’t need me. Besides, if they did need me I would have felt like I would just fail and screw everything up. I know my thoughts are wrong. I know it is okay to make mistakes and screw up from time to time… But I just don’t really believe it. Like I know I have irrational thoughts, but I can’t let them go. It’s so frustrating because I really want to. These thoughts prevent me from doing things that I would really really love to do. It just hurts me so much. Especially when people don’t understand it and think that I’m just too lazy to do something when I would actually give anything to be able to get over myself and just do it. But somehow I just can’t.

Things are also getting out of control at home. It’s hard for me to talk about it and I really don’t get why. Because they are not major problems or anything, even though they feel like they are. There was one person with who I felt comfortable talking about it (to a certain degree), but I lost her. And honestly losing her has hurt me more than I let on. I am still mad and hurt about the things that happened, but what hits me the most is the loneliness: the feeling like I have to go through everything alone now. I know a lot of my friends have told me they are always there for me and that I can always talk to them and honestly I am so thankful for that. And I talk to them about a lot of things, but there are just some things that are too hard for me to talk about even though I would love to talk to someone about it.
I really just wish I could let things go easier. Like I play so many situations over and over again in my head, trying to figure out if I handled it the right way. Trying to figure out why it happened. Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Could I have seen it coming? Honestly it drives me crazy and I wish I could just let it go.

Then there is something else. I’ve been under a lot of stress and it has affected me a lot. I have been having nightmares again. I have been having a couple every night and they really mess with me. They make me hate nights, because nights just fuck with my head. At night my irrational thoughts just take over. I try to fight them, but at night I just always seem to lose the battle. It’s exhausting as fuck. And it feels kind of weird? Like at night I could swear to you that I wanted to give up on literally everything and that nothing and no one was important to me. But throughout the day I just can’t imagine ever feeling so strongly about that.

I am lucky and thankful to have some people who like to hang out with me. When I’m around friends I feel happy and just normal. I just forget about everything and have a good time. And I really enjoy that feeling. I honestly wish that I could spend every second with friends, because they genuinely make me feel so much better. They probably don’t even realize it, but I love them so much for it.

I also keep wondering a lot about love and relationships. I’ve been having a lot of issues with it… Not because every guy is a dick or something, but because I guess there is something wrong with me. I really hope I can explain this well:
I honestly believe that I am too messed up to be in a relationship. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to the guy. Like for example he could really really love me, but I wouldn’t believe him or I wouldn’t let him, I guess. I can’t believe that anyone would love me, because it is still hard for me to love myself. If somebody says he loves me, it makes me so scared and sad. Because I feel like one day soon he will find out and see all the things I hate about myself and he will stop loving me. And it will hurt me so much, because for me it will just prove the fact that I am not worthy of love. Whenever I’m with someone I will just be on edge all the time and literally everything going on in my head is: ”he will now find out about this and he will now think this.” There is literally no time or room for me to enjoy the actual feeling of love. It makes me more sad than happy, and that isn’t supposed to happen, right? And of course I know in my head that I shouldn’t worry so much, that it’s not the end of the world if someone stops loving you and that it’s okay not to be perfect. But I guess I just don’t really know it in my heart.
I do however hold on to the hope that there will come a day that I will believe in it. There will come a day that I’ll meet the perfect guy for me who is patient and understanding. And with who it all just feels right. I will never stop believing that because there should be a happy ending for everyone. For me, but especially for all of you. So with all my heart I hope that no one will ever give up on hope. In my opinion the moment that you will give up on hope is the moment you will lose the greatest gift of life.

Maybe some of you feel the same way as me. If that’s the case, please know that you can always talk to me. I hope I’ve showed you that I will understand you. If you’re dealing with other things, please know that you can also talk to me about it. ❤ I care about all of you. 🙂 xx

Self-injury awareness day

Yesterday it was self-injury awareness day. Almost everyone knows what self-injury is, so that raises the question: why is there a self-injury awareness day. Well, that is because there is still a lot of stigma around it. Misunderstanding, ignorance etc. People telling someone who is struggling with self-injury that it is ”just” a phase. People calling someone who self harms an attention seeker. People laughing at people their scars. Mainly just mean and ignorant comments. So yes, it’s important to have an awareness day. Sadly, I know a lot of people who self harmed and were too ashamed and scared to talk about it. I wish people felt more comfortable talking about it. So again: it’s important this day exists.

I just want to say something about it. Sometimes it can look like a phase, but it’s not. Self harm is an addiction: it will probably stay with the person for the rest of their life. It has become a coping system and it’s hard to let that go. When something triggering happens, the person will probably think of hurting themselves. With time and help people will learn to do something else instead of hurting themselves. But the sooner someone gets help, the less likely it is that it turns into an addiction.
Secondly don’t call someone an attention seeker.  There might be a few people who do it for attention, but that doesn’t make it less of a problem. If someone feels like they need to hurt their self to get some sort of attention then it is still a person who needs help and support. Maybe even more, because they feel like they need to hurt themselves to get it. That is not something to take lightly.  And besides that: if you call someone an attention seeker they are most likely to hide their problems even more. And not everyone does it for attention: there are so many reasons. To name a few: numb out the emotional pain, to feel something instead of feeling totally numb, to focus on the pain rather than focussing on something else or to punish themselves. Every person is different: it’s important to hear them out and find out what’s going on.
I wish people who self harmed didn’t feel the need to hide it. I wish people would be more open about it. A line from my favorite movie and favorite organization is: ”Secrets make you sick.” If you keep everything to yourself it will get too much: it will make you feel sick. It’s okay to need help, it’s okay if you can’t do it all on your own. You don’t have to. Please be open about it with someone you trust. I know it is scary and I know it is hard, but it will be okay. I am here for you and we are all here for you.