Everything has a reason

Okay so a warning before reading: this blog post might be a little whiny and semi-negative. If you don’t like that kind of blogposts I suggest not reading it. If you feel like you’re a judgmental person I also suggest you not to read it. I just needed to poor my heart out on paper. I also needed to try to explain some things from my point of view. My goal with this post is to show people to not judge someone based on what you see: there is usually a lot more going on that you can’t see. Every action (or lack of one) has a reason. People don’t just act out on purpose.

There is a lot going on in my life and my head lately. And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one dealing with those problems.

I failed school. This fact makes a lot of people mad, because I might have wasted 2 years of my life and 2 years worth of college money. It might ”just” be one year though: either way I failed and a lot of people are mad at me or disappointed in me. And honestly, I am disappointed in myself, because I know I could have done it.
The sad thing is that I failed because I was too fucking scared to do something and because I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I felt like I shouldn’t take a shot. I thought nobody would pick me, because everyone else would be better than me. I felt like they didn’t need me. Besides, if they did need me I would have felt like I would just fail and screw everything up. I know my thoughts are wrong. I know it is okay to make mistakes and screw up from time to time… But I just don’t really believe it. Like I know I have irrational thoughts, but I can’t let them go. It’s so frustrating because I really want to. These thoughts prevent me from doing things that I would really really love to do. It just hurts me so much. Especially when people don’t understand it and think that I’m just too lazy to do something when I would actually give anything to be able to get over myself and just do it. But somehow I just can’t.

Things are also getting out of control at home. It’s hard for me to talk about it and I really don’t get why. Because they are not major problems or anything, even though they feel like they are. There was one person with who I felt comfortable talking about it (to a certain degree), but I lost her. And honestly losing her has hurt me more than I let on. I am still mad and hurt about the things that happened, but what hits me the most is the loneliness: the feeling like I have to go through everything alone now. I know a lot of my friends have told me they are always there for me and that I can always talk to them and honestly I am so thankful for that. And I talk to them about a lot of things, but there are just some things that are too hard for me to talk about even though I would love to talk to someone about it.
I really just wish I could let things go easier. Like I play so many situations over and over again in my head, trying to figure out if I handled it the right way. Trying to figure out why it happened. Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Could I have seen it coming? Honestly it drives me crazy and I wish I could just let it go.

Then there is something else. I’ve been under a lot of stress and it has affected me a lot. I have been having nightmares again. I have been having a couple every night and they really mess with me. They make me hate nights, because nights just fuck with my head. At night my irrational thoughts just take over. I try to fight them, but at night I just always seem to lose the battle. It’s exhausting as fuck. And it feels kind of weird? Like at night I could swear to you that I wanted to give up on literally everything and that nothing and no one was important to me. But throughout the day I just can’t imagine ever feeling so strongly about that.

I am lucky and thankful to have some people who like to hang out with me. When I’m around friends I feel happy and just normal. I just forget about everything and have a good time. And I really enjoy that feeling. I honestly wish that I could spend every second with friends, because they genuinely make me feel so much better. They probably don’t even realize it, but I love them so much for it.

I also keep wondering a lot about love and relationships. I’ve been having a lot of issues with it… Not because every guy is a dick or something, but because I guess there is something wrong with me. I really hope I can explain this well:
I honestly believe that I am too messed up to be in a relationship. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to the guy. Like for example he could really really love me, but I wouldn’t believe him or I wouldn’t let him, I guess. I can’t believe that anyone would love me, because it is still hard for me to love myself. If somebody says he loves me, it makes me so scared and sad. Because I feel like one day soon he will find out and see all the things I hate about myself and he will stop loving me. And it will hurt me so much, because for me it will just prove the fact that I am not worthy of love. Whenever I’m with someone I will just be on edge all the time and literally everything going on in my head is: ”he will now find out about this and he will now think this.” There is literally no time or room for me to enjoy the actual feeling of love. It makes me more sad than happy, and that isn’t supposed to happen, right? And of course I know in my head that I shouldn’t worry so much, that it’s not the end of the world if someone stops loving you and that it’s okay not to be perfect. But I guess I just don’t really know it in my heart.
I do however hold on to the hope that there will come a day that I will believe in it. There will come a day that I’ll meet the perfect guy for me who is patient and understanding. And with who it all just feels right. I will never stop believing that because there should be a happy ending for everyone. For me, but especially for all of you. So with all my heart I hope that no one will ever give up on hope. In my opinion the moment that you will give up on hope is the moment you will lose the greatest gift of life.

Maybe some of you feel the same way as me. If that’s the case, please know that you can always talk to me. I hope I’ve showed you that I will understand you. If you’re dealing with other things, please know that you can also talk to me about it. ❤ I care about all of you. 🙂 xx

Self-injury awareness day

Yesterday it was self-injury awareness day. Almost everyone knows what self-injury is, so that raises the question: why is there a self-injury awareness day. Well, that is because there is still a lot of stigma around it. Misunderstanding, ignorance etc. People telling someone who is struggling with self-injury that it is ”just” a phase. People calling someone who self harms an attention seeker. People laughing at people their scars. Mainly just mean and ignorant comments. So yes, it’s important to have an awareness day. Sadly, I know a lot of people who self harmed and were too ashamed and scared to talk about it. I wish people felt more comfortable talking about it. So again: it’s important this day exists.

I just want to say something about it. Sometimes it can look like a phase, but it’s not. Self harm is an addiction: it will probably stay with the person for the rest of their life. It has become a coping system and it’s hard to let that go. When something triggering happens, the person will probably think of hurting themselves. With time and help people will learn to do something else instead of hurting themselves. But the sooner someone gets help, the less likely it is that it turns into an addiction.
Secondly don’t call someone an attention seeker.  There might be a few people who do it for attention, but that doesn’t make it less of a problem. If someone feels like they need to hurt their self to get some sort of attention then it is still a person who needs help and support. Maybe even more, because they feel like they need to hurt themselves to get it. That is not something to take lightly.  And besides that: if you call someone an attention seeker they are most likely to hide their problems even more. And not everyone does it for attention: there are so many reasons. To name a few: numb out the emotional pain, to feel something instead of feeling totally numb, to focus on the pain rather than focussing on something else or to punish themselves. Every person is different: it’s important to hear them out and find out what’s going on.
I wish people who self harmed didn’t feel the need to hide it. I wish people would be more open about it. A line from my favorite movie and favorite organization is: ”Secrets make you sick.” If you keep everything to yourself it will get too much: it will make you feel sick. It’s okay to need help, it’s okay if you can’t do it all on your own. You don’t have to. Please be open about it with someone you trust. I know it is scary and I know it is hard, but it will be okay. I am here for you and we are all here for you.

An honest letter

Dear somebody,

Please, help me. Tell me you care about me. Tell me I can tell you anything, without being judged. Tell me nothing will scare you away or will make you leave. Hug me and tell me I’ll be okay. Tell me I’m not alone and that you will alway be here for me.

Please, show me I can really trust you. Make me believe that you truly care about me and that you can handle the darkest parts of me. It might take me some time before I fully trust you, but don’t give up on me. I need you. I really need you.

Please, just listen to me. Let me tell you my story. My whole story. I need you to hear it. Some days it is just too much to handle on my own. On those days I need you to understand that. I need you to understand me. Every part of me.

Please, never break my trust. It’ll break me. I need to believe that there are still good people left in this world. Please, show me you’re one of them.

Please, make me enjoy life again. Cry with me, but also laugh with me. Make me feel all the good things in the world again: the joy of having a friend, the thrill of experiencing something new, the magical feeling of love. Make me laugh again.

And please, let me be there for you. Let me cry for you, let me laugh with you. I will be there through it all if you let me.

Please, just help me.

Much love,
Me.

 

 

Last blog post

This will be my last blog post for a while, possibly forever. I know a lot of people have been reading this blog (I still don’t really get why) and for those: I’m sorry. But it’s for the best. I’m going to try to explain why I decided to do this.

I have always felt like my feelings didn’t count. I didn’t have the right to be sad, scared or lonely or whatever. Others had it worse. Like how could I feel like that when my friends and family felt the same or even worse? They needed me stronger than that. They needed me to be there for them.
I felt like I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t talk about my feelings or the things that were happening because that would make me weak and it would make people not like me.
People always said that that was what they liked about me: putting others before myself. So I just holded on to that, I felt like that was the only good thing about me. I hated it though, because it was this huge reminded that I had like zero selfrespect. I literally felt like I wasn’t worthy of love of life or anything. Everyone deserved to be happy but me. But I also felt like people only liked me when I pretended to be happy all the time. I felt like they wouldn’t like me when they saw that part of me that was sad and hurt.
Deep down inside I know that it’s crazy. I started thinking like this: if anyone else felt this way what would I think about them? I wouldn’t think they were weak for talking about the things that bothered them, I would think they were strong. I wouldnt hate them, I would love them even more just for their bravery. And I wouldn’t think for a second that anyone wasn’t worthy of love or life. But still…. after thinking like that I still hated myself and I still couldn’t do it myself.

So I tried really hard to tell everyone that it’s okay to talk about your problems and that your problems and feelings don’t make you a lesser person. ‘Cause if I could prevent one person from feeling this way, my life would be meaningful. So I started this blog, trying to spread hope and positivity. Trying to reach as many people as possible, maybe even trying to reach my self.
But in the end I only spread more negativity, because I’m just pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m not okay. I’m not strong and I’m not at all perfect. And above all: I’m not a positive human being by nature.
I do believe it’s okay for others to talk about their problems, but I don’t believe it for myself. And that makes me a huge hypocrite.  That is one of the reasons why I decided to end this blog.

I need to take care of myself first and I’m not doing that by pretending I’m someone that I’m not. I need to believe in the things that I say for myself first, before I tell them to others. I really don’t want to be a hypocrite. I also noticed that I’ve started to use this blog as a way to rant about the things that bother me and that is not why I started this blog and that is not what I want it to become. I want to spread positivity and not negativity.

I also just need some time off from a lot of things. There is jus too much negativity everywhere and I just don’t want to be around that anymore, because it does affect me.

So for now I’m done writing on here.  You can however still always talk to me if there is something on your mind. I am still always here for you.

Please take care x

Never give up

I always try to spread hope and encouragements with this blog, but right now I could use some for myself. I just feel so lost and hopeless right now and I don’t know where to turn to.  I’ve always find it hard to talk. I always preferred writing. Mostly in my diary (yes, laugh) and sometimes on this blog.
There is just still so much going on in my life and it just keeps adding up. Honestly, I always thought I would have given up by now. I never thought I could survive so much shit. But here I am, still breathing. Still living. Still here. And that does say something, I guess.
There are still people I don’t want to leave. There are still goals I don’t want to give up on. There is still hope for better days. There are still good things left, even if they are hard to see right now.

We have to remind ourselves of this. When you feel like there is no point anymore, when it all gets too much: there is still something that’s keeping you here. There is still hope and there is still a reason to stay. Do not give up on that. Never give up on that.
All you need to do is keep breathing and wait for a light in the darkness. Because I promise you, that light will show up eventually. Just wait it out. It will be okay.

There is just a little over a week left until new year. I know I’m ready for this year to be over. I’m not naive enough to think that all my problems will be gone when the new year starts, but I’m hopeful for a better year. I’m not going to make any wishes or predictions this year, because it seems like every time I wish or predict something it will happen in reverse. So I’m not going to take any chances with that anymore.
I do however hope you all have a merry Christmas and a happy and healthy new year. I’m always here for you. Take care x

Competing

Why are people always trying to compete with each other? We always have to be better than someone. Maybe it’s human nature, maybe it’s not… But I don’t think it’s always such a good thing. Sure, competition motivates people to make the best of themselves, but sometimes it’s good to admit you’re not perfect. Some people will be better at things than you, and that’s okay. Everyone has their own talents.

I paid attention to some conversations. And some people try to be ”better” at ridiculous things like feelings. An example:
”I feel so sad all the time”
”Yeah well I’ve been depressed…”
It just feel like people forget to listen. They’re always trying to relate the things to themselves, because people like to talk about themselves.
I think it would be good if we tried to listen more… ‘Cause you might learn something from it or be able to help someone.
By saying ”yeah well i’ve been depressed” the person basically says: ”what you’re feeling/going through isn’t as bad as what i’m feeling/going through.” And that SHOULD NEVER be the message. Everyone feels pain, and one pain is not worst than the other. You can’t really measure pain… Because it’s different for everyone.

So what I’m trying to say is: listen more to what people are saying. Pay attention. Don’t be so quick to respond. Think before you say something. Other people’s feelings matter too 🙂 It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay if someone is better at something than you… it doesn’t make you a lesser person.

 

One life, one decision. Make sure it ends with you still living.

These past few weeks have been filled with lots of amazing people and music. Two of my favourite things in life.
It was easy to forget everthing. It was easy to just live in the moment and enjoy it.

But then I had to go back to my life.
And it hit me hard.

I found out I suck at being alone, especially when I’ve been around people for so long. I don’t know what to do with the silence or with the darkness. I don’t know what to do with myself when there is nothing and nobody to distract me.
I try to make myself feel better by listening to music or distracting myself by watching a movie. But sometimes that just isn’t enough.

Sometimes I get so tired of trying. But I have to keep on trying. We all have to keep on trying. Life suck sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it is not beautiful. It doesn’t mean it’s not worth fighting for. We owe it to our loved ones to make the best of this life. We owe it to ourselves.
In our darkest moments we have to remember that we are not alone and that we never will be. We have to remember that amazing things will happen again. Pain won’t be there forever.

”One life, one decision. Make sure it ends with you still living.” – Beartooth

You can always message me if you feel like you need to talk or need some advice. I’m not an expert, but I’ll do my best to help you. I am always here to listen. ❤
You can also send me something anonymous on here if you feel a bit insecure about messaging me personally: http://ask.fm/xmarsblg