Okay so a warning before reading: this blog post might be a little whiny and semi-negative. If you don’t like that kind of blogposts I suggest not reading it. If you feel like you’re a judgmental person I also suggest you not to read it. I just needed to poor my heart out on paper. I also needed to try to explain some things from my point of view. My goal with this post is to show people to not judge someone based on what you see: there is usually a lot more going on that you can’t see. Every action (or lack of one) has a reason. People don’t just act out on purpose.
There is a lot going on in my life and my head lately. And I know for a fact that I’m not the only one dealing with those problems.
I failed school. This fact makes a lot of people mad, because I might have wasted 2 years of my life and 2 years worth of college money. It might ”just” be one year though: either way I failed and a lot of people are mad at me or disappointed in me. And honestly, I am disappointed in myself, because I know I could have done it.
The sad thing is that I failed because I was too fucking scared to do something and because I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I felt like I shouldn’t take a shot. I thought nobody would pick me, because everyone else would be better than me. I felt like they didn’t need me. Besides, if they did need me I would have felt like I would just fail and screw everything up. I know my thoughts are wrong. I know it is okay to make mistakes and screw up from time to time… But I just don’t really believe it. Like I know I have irrational thoughts, but I can’t let them go. It’s so frustrating because I really want to. These thoughts prevent me from doing things that I would really really love to do. It just hurts me so much. Especially when people don’t understand it and think that I’m just too lazy to do something when I would actually give anything to be able to get over myself and just do it. But somehow I just can’t.
Things are also getting out of control at home. It’s hard for me to talk about it and I really don’t get why. Because they are not major problems or anything, even though they feel like they are. There was one person with who I felt comfortable talking about it (to a certain degree), but I lost her. And honestly losing her has hurt me more than I let on. I am still mad and hurt about the things that happened, but what hits me the most is the loneliness: the feeling like I have to go through everything alone now. I know a lot of my friends have told me they are always there for me and that I can always talk to them and honestly I am so thankful for that. And I talk to them about a lot of things, but there are just some things that are too hard for me to talk about even though I would love to talk to someone about it.
I really just wish I could let things go easier. Like I play so many situations over and over again in my head, trying to figure out if I handled it the right way. Trying to figure out why it happened. Could I have prevented it? Could I have done something different? Could I have seen it coming? Honestly it drives me crazy and I wish I could just let it go.
Then there is something else. I’ve been under a lot of stress and it has affected me a lot. I have been having nightmares again. I have been having a couple every night and they really mess with me. They make me hate nights, because nights just fuck with my head. At night my irrational thoughts just take over. I try to fight them, but at night I just always seem to lose the battle. It’s exhausting as fuck. And it feels kind of weird? Like at night I could swear to you that I wanted to give up on literally everything and that nothing and no one was important to me. But throughout the day I just can’t imagine ever feeling so strongly about that.
I am lucky and thankful to have some people who like to hang out with me. When I’m around friends I feel happy and just normal. I just forget about everything and have a good time. And I really enjoy that feeling. I honestly wish that I could spend every second with friends, because they genuinely make me feel so much better. They probably don’t even realize it, but I love them so much for it.
I also keep wondering a lot about love and relationships. I’ve been having a lot of issues with it… Not because every guy is a dick or something, but because I guess there is something wrong with me. I really hope I can explain this well:
I honestly believe that I am too messed up to be in a relationship. I feel like it wouldn’t be fair to the guy. Like for example he could really really love me, but I wouldn’t believe him or I wouldn’t let him, I guess. I can’t believe that anyone would love me, because it is still hard for me to love myself. If somebody says he loves me, it makes me so scared and sad. Because I feel like one day soon he will find out and see all the things I hate about myself and he will stop loving me. And it will hurt me so much, because for me it will just prove the fact that I am not worthy of love. Whenever I’m with someone I will just be on edge all the time and literally everything going on in my head is: ”he will now find out about this and he will now think this.” There is literally no time or room for me to enjoy the actual feeling of love. It makes me more sad than happy, and that isn’t supposed to happen, right? And of course I know in my head that I shouldn’t worry so much, that it’s not the end of the world if someone stops loving you and that it’s okay not to be perfect. But I guess I just don’t really know it in my heart.
I do however hold on to the hope that there will come a day that I will believe in it. There will come a day that I’ll meet the perfect guy for me who is patient and understanding. And with who it all just feels right. I will never stop believing that because there should be a happy ending for everyone. For me, but especially for all of you. So with all my heart I hope that no one will ever give up on hope. In my opinion the moment that you will give up on hope is the moment you will lose the greatest gift of life.
Maybe some of you feel the same way as me. If that’s the case, please know that you can always talk to me. I hope I’ve showed you that I will understand you. If you’re dealing with other things, please know that you can also talk to me about it. ❤ I care about all of you. 🙂 xx